My Turn Please

I would love to just have some adventure in my life. Would it be to much to ask for some random violence to escalate near my location and engulf me within its loving arms so I can have some fun and succeed at becoming a hero or villian. I don't know which way I would go. I can't decide if I want fame or power more. Actually I do know, and that is what scares the hell out of me. I would so go for the power, especially if I could get away with it and survive the onslaught of those who would go against me and my pursuit of happiness. That is right, power is what makes me happy. Too bad the authorities have made it illegal to possess. It would make them lose power and I guess that they wouldn't like that too much. I do possess power, right now as I write these words down because I have a brain and I know how to use it. My thinking process might be a little jaded, but the synapses are still firing and there isn't too many blanks. I do believe that things happen for a reason and with the life I have, I think God must be afraid to let me go to the dark side. That is where I live. This world doesn't possess the darkness that I consume and take for granted. I would love to write of this darkness, and maybe one day I will. Now I think is too soon. Too soon to let you in on the secrets of what I am thinking. The dark paths that my brain takes just to get me going in the morning. Is indifference a sin? I know it is what is on my mind most times. Should I care anymore. Who is this person and why should I feel remorse? Why am I like this? What made me this way; was it TV, was it my parents, was I born this way? Questions seemingly hard to answer because I don't know where to go for the answers. Am I the only one who feels this way? Life is what you make of it; right now I am educating myself by being a student but I am almost done. Once I am done, that remains to be discovered. What will I become, where will I go, what will I do? More questions; what the hell is the right choice. Is life this way on purpose? More questions. Can I never get away from these nagging internal questions? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Why can't life be like in the movies, that would be much simpler. I have seen a lot of movies. I like watching movies, but not as much as I like talking and writing. This seems more relaxing where movies make me more hyper; especially good movies or at least movies that I think are good; get the blood pumping kind of movies, make you want to cheer and root for that guy/gal in the movie. I just got done watching Crank and Crank: High Voltage back to back. I love how Chev just keeps going, nothing gets him down, just keeps going like the Energizer bunny, pun intended for those who have seens Crank: High Voltage. Yeah, and I love how Amy Smarts character totally got wiser from the first movie to the second. You don't see that in too many movies, the intellectual growth of a character. I loved it. Awesome. I wish my life was that exciting some days, where there is gunfights, car chases, beautiful girls everywhere in scantily clad clothing and bikinis. Yep, that's the life for me. I remember when I was a little boy and I first heard about a threesome and what it actually was, I told my friend that two women would never be enough for me, I am high, just like my mother taught me, I told him that six was the magic number. Me and six women, that was my fantasy. He just laughed. I just took pictures. He just cried. I laughed...

Then I told him the truth. The picture was a fake. I had no proof. I just walked away and I never saw him again. I honestly don't even remember his name. Too bad, would like to see what became of him. Maybe he will see this post and contact me by leaving a comment. It can happen; my mother told me so. She said, " You can do anything you put your heart into." and she also said, "Just believe, anything can happen." I love my mother and the confidence she has in me. She made me part of what I am today. She also would like some adventure in her life. Maybe when I become rich and famous, just working on the rich part, I will take her on her very own adventure. I am a good son. Honest.

Why does it feel like rain

Why doesn't it rain. Would it it be so bad to cool off in the ecstacy of a summer sprinkle. I would love to just sit outside in the rain and feel my rage wash away with the cool, crisp, compassionate droplets of the world's tears. Sometimes, like now, I just write with little to write about, so I am practicing because I want to write stuff someday and get recognized for my absolute genius and my corrupt sensitivity. Why do I talk, everything comes out wrong, but it sounds good and it also sounds like I know what I am talking about. I can't write enough about how much I want to write about subjects that take a person and submerges them into a magical realm of disbelief and contemplation. Would it be wrong to say that most things I have witnessed come nowhere near to the darkness that I will someday share with the masses of animals reading my novels of love and death, decay and rebirth. I might as well toss in some taboo subjects too because everyone loves reading about the death of small baby rabbits while chewing on bubblegum and mowing the lawn and running over the mother with the blades of chop, chop, chop. Maybe I am just disturbed, which is like the most lovely word in my world.

I don't invite enough people in to my world, I think they would be afraid. I have met maybe one or two kindred souls, but then again, their worlds are scary and fascinating to me at the same time my own world is scary and fascinating to me. Perhaps just writing down my thoughts and proclivities will somehow make me more sane in this screwed up world. People die every day, I don't see days upon days of broadcasting over them, but one one stupid rich person dies, its the end of the world because he did so much for society and made the world a better place and blah blah blah. Get over it. Sure, he did those things, honor him and move on. Don't linger on it. Move on. Just probably jealous because the way people remember him is the way that I want to be remembered, but I keep having these proclivities that I won't be remembered, I won't even get an honorable mention at my own funeral. Pity, it fills me up and self-doubt, but without them, one cannot enjoy the fruits of one's own labor. It makes sense that I should move on also and make something of myself and that should go for all the people in the world. Move on. Just keep going because you never know when the best thing in your life is right around the next corner. Keep going and move on. Don't give up, that is the weakest thing I have ever thought. Sure, suicide is a thought, don't be consumed by it. It isn't the answer. Look forward to better things. I know I use to laugh at sappy crap like this when I was younger, but I will tell you the truth. Positive thoughts bring positive rewards. I just started one day saying to myself in the mirror that I am the best looking guy in the world. Now I am the best looking guy in the world. I have no self-doubt left. That's not saying I know everything, but if I don't know something, I say I don't know something. Its not the end of the world. Big deal if I don't know this one little thing; the fact that your asking me about it means that the answer is someplace out there in the world, maybe on the web or in my dad's brain. Its a phone call away. So maybe you aren't that bad looking after all. Just believe in yourself and move on. I promise, good things will come and you will start believing just to believe in something because you have to believe in something even if it is "nothing" you believe in. Nothing is still something, yep, that is the line that I keep catching crap on. How can nothing be something. Nothing, its just a word, but that word has a meaning. Nothing could be thought of as the absense of something or of everything, but if you say you believe in everything, then you can say you believe in something. So if nothing is the absense of something than that too is something. So, you have to believe in something, which just might as well be yourself.